Before

Elected

Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, or risk that you have taken and its impact on you.

High school student government is a microcosm of American politics: a group of elected officials makes decisions that will affect and hopefully benefit their peers. They represent the larger student body, and therefore play an extremely integral part of each class's future. By the spring of my junior year, I no longer wanted to be an outsider looking in; I wanted to be a part of the collective group making the decisions. My high school had given so much to me: an education, a group of friends, and memories I will remember forever, and I felt it imperative that I do something to help my class. The way that I felt I could be the most beneficial to my classmates was to lend my unique viewpoint to the student council, which is why I chose to run for senior class vice president.

I didn't run just for the sake of it, I rand because I thought I could win and do a better job than the incumbent; the same guy who had held the position all three previous years and had his sights set on a political future. In spite of this, I believed the class could relate better to me than the incumbent vice president, as I had friends in various social circles that gave me a much more diverse outlook on my class' needs.

I knew that I needed an innovative campaign strategy, and that the basic "vote for me and I'll get you whatever you want" route wouldn't be enough. I knew that having a memorable speech would be imperative to success, as it was my one chance to directly address the entire class. I led off the speech with my favorite joke, and was honest with my classmates encouraging their votes. I had worn a number of shirts with different messages on them, and, as I went through my speech, I'd take one off to reveal a new message. When I reached the last shirt with a huge money symbol on it (symbolizing the increased revenue I was promising the class) my friends interspersed in the audience launched monopoly money into the air on cue. The next day I came in early to school once and painted a giant chalk "ASA for VP" sign in the parking lot. I chronicled all of this on a website I created, and all of my campaign posters directed any interesting students to the site, which ended up hosting a heated debate between my opponent and myself. After 400 votes in the site's mock poll, I was in a dead heat with my main competitor. That poll, however, was a lesson in statistical anomalies: I won the 4-person race with over 60% of the vote.

The process not only allowed me to have some say in the direction of the class, but enabled me to become a better person. I have since gained more confidence in myself knowing that I have the support of the majority of my classmates. There are few better feelings than walking down a hall and having someone you have never met say "congratulations on the win". My dad's mantra that hard work beats natural ability was proven, when my tireless campaigning showed real results. I also learned to take responsibility for my actions, as now I still have to follow through on those promises and reward the people who believed in me.

As John Kerry said in the 2000 Presidential election, "Democracy is not a spectator sport." Up until I ran for vice president, I had been just another student on the sideline, having the decisions made for me. My goal was to get involved, make a difference, and give back to the school that had given me so much, and in doing so I learned a great deal. When the election concluded, I had learned a vital lesson about the importance of being an individual, setting goals, and working hard to achieve those goals.

After

Elected

Editor comments:

High school student government is a microcosm of American politics: a group of elected officials makes decisions that will affect and hopefully benefit their peers. They represent the larger student body, and therefore play an extremely integral part of each class's future. By the spring of my junior year, I no longer wanted to be an outsider looking in; I wanted to be a part of the collective group making the decisions. My high school had given so much to me: an education, a group of friends, and memories I will remember forever, and I felt it imperative that I do something to help my class. The way that I felt I could be the most beneficial to my classmates was to lend my unique viewpoint to the student council, which is why I chose to run for senior class vice president.

You might want to consider placing dashes around "and hopefully benefit" - up to you. You are an integral part of something; you play an integral role in something. You don't need "collective" before "group." "I felt it imperative" is a little wordy - try to always make your point in the clearest, most concise manner possible.

I didn't run just for the sake of it, I rand because I thought I could win and do a better job than the incumbent; the same guy who had held the position all three previous years and had his sights set on a political future. In spite of this, I believed the class could relate better to me than the incumbent vice president, as I had friends in various social circles that gave me a much more diverse outlook on my class' needs.

The first sentence is a little awkward and a bit too informal ("the same guy"). Also, watch out for typos ("rand").

I knew that I needed an innovative campaign strategy, and that the basic "vote for me and I'll get you whatever you want" route wouldn't be enough. I knew that having a memorable speech would be imperative to success, as it was my one chance to directly address the entire class. I led off the speech with my favorite joke, and was honest with my classmates encouraging their votes. I had worn a number of shirts with different messages on them, and, as I went through my speech, I'd take one off to reveal a new message. When I reached the last shirt with a huge money symbol on it (symbolizing the increased revenue I was promising the class) my friends interspersed in the audience launched monopoly money into the air on cue. The next day I came in early to school once and painted a giant chalk "ASA for VP" sign in the parking lot. I chronicled all of this on a website I created, and all of my campaign posters directed any interesting students to the site, which ended up hosting a heated debate between my opponent and myself. After 400 votes in the site's mock poll, I was in a dead heat with my main competitor. That poll, however, was a lesson in statistical anomalies: I won the 4-person race with over 60% of the vote.

Try "standard" instead of "basic" in the first sentence. Try not to use the same word too often (e.g. "imperative"); it can sound a little lazy. "The next day I came in early to school once" doesn't make sense. "any interested students," not "interesting students."

The process not only allowed me to have some say in the direction of the class, but enabled me to become a better person. I have since gained more confidence in myself knowing that I have the support of the majority of my classmates. There are few better feelings than walking down a hall and having someone you have never met say "congratulations on the win". My dad's mantra that hard work beats natural ability was proven, when my tireless campaigning showed real results. I also learned to take responsibility for my actions, as now I still have to follow through on those promises and reward the people who believed in me.

Can you be more specific than "enabled me to become a better person"? This is a fairly generic phrase. Periods go inside the quotation mark. You haven't really learned how to take responsibility for your actions yet - you have yet to prove yourself.

As John Kerry said in the 2000 Presidential election, "Democracy is not a spectator sport." Up until I ran for vice president, I had been just another student on the sideline, having the decisions made for me. My goal was to get involved, make a difference, and give back to the school that had given me so much, and in doing so I learned a great deal. When the election concluded, I had learned a vital lesson about the importance of being an individual, setting goals, and working hard to achieve those goals.

"sidelines" is plural.

Dear client,

You might want to consider increasing the specificity of some of the phrases that you use in this essay. You're describing an experience that admissions officers will most likely have read about before (being elected to class office), so the important thing here is to convey what was unique about your particular experience. Watch out for generic phrases like "become a better person."

You also have a slight tendency towards wordiness - try to always make your point in the clearest, most concise manner possible, ensuring that each paragraph focuses on a single main point.

Your essay also contains a number of awkward phrasing choices, grammatical errors, and typos, all of which I have corrected for in my revision.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or concerns.

Best,

GradeSaver Editor

REVISION:

High school student government is a microcosm of American politics: elected officials make decisions that they hope will benefit the general populace. Class officers are representatives of the larger student body, and therefore play an integral role in the lives of their peers. During the spring of my junior year, I realized that I no longer wanted to be a passive observer of the electoral process; I wanted to be a part of the group making the decisions. My high school had given me so much - a great education, a caring group of friends, and countless memories that I will retain forever - and I wanted to give something back. I felt that my unique viewpoint would benefit the student council, and decided to run for vice president of the senior class.

I didn't run just for the sake of running; I truly believed that I could win, and that once in office I would be able to do a better job than the incumbent. The student who had held the position for the last three years had his sights set on a future in politics, but I felt that the class would be able to relate to me. I had friends in a wide variety of social circles, and believed that the diversity of my friendships gave me a strong understanding of my class's needs.

I knew that an innovative campaign strategy would be integral to my success; the standard "vote for me and I'll give you what you want" slant wouldn't be enough. I also knew that a memorable speech would be crucial, as the speech was my one opportunity to directly address the entire student body. I began my speech with my favorite joke, and then began talking to my classmates honestly and straightforwardly. I had come onto the stage wearing a number of t-shirts, each layered over the other, and during the speech I peeled them off one at a time to reveal different aspects of my campaign. When I reached the last shirt, emblazoned with a large $ to symbolize the increased revenue I was promising the class, my friends sitting in the audience tossed handfuls of monopoly money into the air. The next day, I arrived at school early and used chalk to write "ASA FOR VP" on the ground in the parking lot. My campaign posters directed interested students to a website I had set up to chronicle my efforts, and I ended up posting a heated debate between my opponent and myself. After collecting 400 votes in the site's mock poll, I was in a dead heat with my competitor. Ultimately, I won the four-person race, with over 60% of the vote.

The process of running for student council not only gave me an invaluable opportunity to communicate directly with my peers, but also made me a more responsible, proactive, and informed individual. Knowing that I have the support of the majority of my classmates has given me a great deal of self-confidence. There are few better feelings than walking down the hall and having someone whom you've never met congratulate you on your win. My father has always said that hard work beats out natural ability every time, and I now understand what he means: my tireless campaigning had real results. I now look forward to taking on the responsibility of following through on the promises that I made and rewarding those who believed in me.

As John Kerry said during the 2000 Presidential election, "Democracy is not a spectator sport." Until I ran for vice president, I was just another student standing on the sidelines, allowing the decisions to be made for me. I decided to get involved, make a difference, and give back to the school that had given me so much, and in doing so I discovered a great deal about my community and about myself. When the election was finally over, I had learned a valuable lesson about the importance of individuality, determination, and hard work.