What does pony me on page 18 when he says I lied to myself all the time

The chapter ends with Ponyboy wondering what Soda meant about Darry. He finds it hard to believe that his oldest brother loves him, when he's always scolding him. He tells himself he doesn't care about his relationship with Darry, but admits that, "I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me." Pony knows he cares deeply for Darry and, at some level, that Darry cares just as deeply for him. I think we are all best at lying to ourselves. I do it on a daily basis. Sometimes it is small things like I'll do my homework later knowing I won't get it done. Other times it is larger things like fulfilling promises to people that I never really intended to keep