The ghost of Ignatius Loyola, the founder of the Jesuit Order, realizes that England has not yet been converted to Catholicism. He is surprised by this. Error, his servant, has been having a dream about a game of chess that represents the Catholic and Anglican churches. The Catholics in his dream were represented by the black pieces while the Anglicans were represented by the white pieces. Ignatius asks to see the dream for himself.
The Black Queen's Pawn is trying to corrupt the White Queen's Pawn, who is also known as the White Virgin. She pretends to be worried for her future, claiming to fear that because of her resolve to stay "pure" she is going to end up alone. The Black Bishop's Pawn offers to act as the White Virgin's confessor, and she takes him up on his offer, admitting that she was once engaged to be married, but the relationship ended because her beloved, the White Bishop's Pawn, was castrated by the Black Knight's Pawn. The Black Bishop's Pawn listens to her confession and gives her a morality instruction book.
The Black Knight and the White King's Pawn talk together about the progress of entrapping people into Catholicism. It is going well. We learn that the White King's Pawn is actually a "plant" and is spying in the House of White Pieces on behalf of the Black King.
Meanwhile, the White Virgin has been studying the book the Black Bishop's Pawn gave to her and has discovered that she is obliged to obey her confessor, whatever he asks. The Black Bishop's Pawn has just received a letter from the Black King, thanking him for his endeavors in corrupting the White Virgin, but saying that he wants to seduce her himself. The Black Bishop pledges to help the King in this quest, but wants to seduce the White Virgin himself first. The White Virgin is eager to prove her obedience to her confessor and asks him to give her an order. He orders her to kiss him, and when she refuses, he tells her that her punishment is offering him her virginity. There is a noise offstage that distracts him momentarily and the White Virgin takes this opportunity to escape.
The Black Bishop scolds his Pawn, because he knows that word of the botched seduction will spread like wildfire. It will make the entire House of Black Pieces look bad and cause a terrible scandal. The Black Knight has come up with a plan to cover up the attempted seduction; he is gong to falsify documents to "prove" that the Black Bishop's Pawn was not in town when the seduction occurred, and the Pawn should flee in the meantime. The Black Knight also takes this opportunity to get a little more covering up accomplished and orders the Black Bishop to burn his files in case his house is searched. The files contain information about other seductions that were covered up and the Black Knight does now want this to get out.
Word of the failed seduction has already spread. The White Virgin tells the White King that the Black Bishop's Pawn tried to rape her. The Black Knight is told about the allegation and produces the faked documents that prove the Black Bishop's Pawn was out of town at the time and could not have tried to rape her as she claims. He calls the White Virgin a liar, and confronted with this seemingly airtight alibi for the Black Bishop's Pawn, the White King has no choice but to find the White Virgin guilty of slander. He hands her over to the black pieces so that they can punish her in any way they choose. She is forced to fast for four days and kneel for twelve hours a day in front of erotic pictures.
The Fat Bishop, previously a black piece, defected to the white pieces a few years previously. However, he is starting to feel that he is not getting the adulation and the "royal" treatment that he deserves. He wants to be indulged even more, not just with food, and women, and wine, but with more honors and titles. The Black Knight sees a way in which he can capitalize on the Fat Bishop's dissatisfaction; he gives him a letter that he has faked, supposedly from Rome, that implies that if the Fat Bishop denounces the House of White Pieces and returns to the House of Black Pieces, he will be rewarded and could likely become the next Pope. This is the kind of adulation the Fat Bishop has been looking for. He agrees immediately.
The plot to clear the Black Bishop's Pawn of attempted rape has hit a roadblock; the White King instructed his pawns to do some further investigation into the matter, and the White Bishop's Pawn has discovered that the Black Bishop's Pawn was absolutely in town when the attempted rape occurred. The White Virgin is acquitted of slander and released from her punishment.
The White King's Pawn, who was spying on behalf of the black pieces, was "re-called" to the House of Black Pieces under the guise of being punished for his spying. He asks the Black Knight how his spying will be rewarded and he is sent to "the bag" where captured chess pieces are sent when they are no longer in the game.
The black pieces are still trying to corrupt and fool the White Virgin. Their next ploy involves the Black Queen's Pawn, who claims that she has a magic Egyptian mirror that will show you the reflection of your future spouse. The Black Bishop's Pawn disguises himself as a rich future husband and when the White Virgin looks into the mirror all she is able to see is his reflection. She is suitably fooled. When they run into the Black Bishop's Pawn, still in his future rich husband disguise, he is taken offstage to see the mysterious Egyptian mirror. When he returns he tells the White Virgin that he saw her image in the mirror which is an indication that they will one day be married. He wants to have sex with her that night - why wait? he implores her - but she refuses because she is resolved to wait until she is married.
The Black Knight's Pawn is beginning to feel his conscience pricking him. For some time he has been troubled by the fact that he castrated the White Bishop's Pawn, and has asked for absolution from the Black Knight, who is scathing and unsympathetic. He is angry with his Pawn for allowing his conscience to trouble him in this way. He asks the Fat Bishop what the financial penalty is for castrating someone, and the Fat Bishop replies that there is none, which means that there is no absolution either. The Fat Bishop tells him that the only thing he can do in the circumstances is to kill the White Bishop's Pawn. He would then be guilty of murder, which is a crime that is listed in the Book, and can therefore be absolved with a financial fine. The Black Knight vows to kill the White Bishop's Pawn as soon as possible.
The White Knight goes to the House of Black Pieces to try to start negotiations. It is a strategic move, rather than a genuine attempt to negotiate. The Black Knight tells the White Knight that he is amenable to anything that will make negotiations run smoothly and please the White Knight.
The Fat Bishop is busy making a play for power and attempts to capture the White Queen who is unprotected; he bungles the attempt, and his attempt is prevented by the White Bishop and the White King. He is captured and relegated to "the bag."
The Black Bishop's Pawn has dispensed with his rich future husband garb. He tells the White Virgin that he is the man with whom she spent the night. She does not know what he is talking about, and tells him so. She is being honest; the Black Queen's Pawn has played a "bed trick" on him, leading him to believe that he was having sex with the White Virgin when he was really sleeping with her. He is angry because he thinks she is trying to pretend that she is still a virgin when she is not, but the Black Queen's Pawn enters then and reveals what happened. The White Virgin's virginity is still intact.
The White Queen and the White Bishop's Pawn capture the Black Bishop's Pawn and the Black Queen's Pawn, both being sent to "the bag."
The Black Knight's Pawn attempts to murder the White Bishop's Pawn. The White Virgin captures him and sends him to the bag.
The White Knight and the White Duke eat at the House of Black Pieces. The meal has been extravagant and incredible, but the White Knight tells the Black Knight that he is not quite full. He still has a little room left for two particular things, which the Black Knight promises to get for him - as long as he converts to the black side. The White Knight says that it is not more food that he hungers for; it is sex and higher office. The Black Knight boasts that he will be very happy in the House of Black Pieces, because the black pieces are renowned for their overly sexual lifestyle. He also says that there was once proof of this licentiousness; six thousand skulls of babies were discovered, the babies having been aborted by nuns. This surely showed how sexually irresponsible the black pieces are! As soon as the crimes are admitted, the White Knight admits that he has never intended to go over to the House of Black Pieces, and was just trying to get a confession from the Black Knight. He has drawn him out and now, he has check mate.
The black pieces are all sent to the bag. The white pieces are all left standing. The game has been won.
