"But I remember seeing a mess of leaves suddenly go skittering in the wind and into the creek, then floating rapidly down the creek toward the sea, making me feel a nameless horror even then of 'Oh my God we're all being swept away to sea no matter what we know or say or do' -- And a bird who was on a crooked branch is suddenly gone without my even hearing him."
Jack is paralyzed by his fear of death. His obsession with mortality causes him to continually view everyday occurrences as omens of impending doom. This quotation occurs when he looks out over the mountains of Big Sur and contemplates his existence. The leaves float down to the creek on a breeze. They remind him that, just like leaves in the wind, none of us can stop our downward descent into the grave.
"But now George has TB and they tell me he may even die... Which add to that darkness in my mind, all these DEATH things piling up suddenly -- But I can't believe old Zen Master George is going to allow his body to die."
Jack says this after visiting George Baso in the hospital. Perpetually preoccupied with death, Jack is really upset after this trip. Something about seeing his friend dying before his eyes forces Jack to again face his helpless mortality. Adding this experience to all the everyday instances he see death in, Jack is building up his fear. He wants to believe, needs to believe, that George isn't going to die. Maybe if George can beat this illness, then Jack can find a way to take command of his own mortality.
"I see it all raving before me the endless yakking kitchen mouthings of life, the long dark grave of tomby talks under midnight kitchen bulbs, in fact it fills me with love to realize that life so avid and misunderstood nevertheless reaches out skinny skeleton hand to me and to Billie too -- But you know what I mean.
And this is the way it begins."
During his time with Billie, Jack becomes increasingly depressed. He looks back on his time spent with her so far and still only sees death. He thinks it's sweet the way life tries to appear meaningful and permanent when it could never be so. Looking back, his memories of time spent with Billie seems meaningless but still somehow pleasant. He knows it will all end, probably soon too. He knows he will die, and she will die, and everyone they know will die.
"If someone's to ask him 'Let's drive to New York' he'd jump right for it without a word -- On a sort of pilgrimmage, see, with all that youth, us old fucks oughta take a lesson from him, in faith too, he has faith, I can see it in his eyes, he has faith in any direction he may take with anyone just like Christ I guess."
Jack and friends stumble upon a teen playing pool in a bar. Like in every other situation, Jack sees a deeper meaning in the young man's eager youthfulness. As a spiritual expression, the boy's youth is a sign of faith. Jack believes spiritual matters can be found in every instance of life. In his youth, maybe he was like that impetuous young man, but now Jack feels old and mortal. He believes that with enough ambition, this pool player will wander wherever he wants and find exactly what he's looking for. That is the purest expression of religion to Jack.
"I'm bursting to explain everything to him, not even Big Sur but the past several years, but there's no chance with everybody yakking -- And in fact I can see in Cody's eyes that he can see in my own eyes the regret we both feel that recently we haven't had chances to talk whatever, like we used to do driving across America and back in the old road days, too many people now want to talk to us and tell us their stories, we've been hemmed in and surrounded and outnumbered -- The circle's closed in on the old heroes of the night."
While he was alone in Big Sur, Jack still feels alone even with Cody. He missed Cody. They're together, but it's not like it used to be between them. Everyone is older now and has more to say than before. Jack is sentimental, longing for the old days when he felt more comfortable.
