"I thought that by twenty-eight I could stop trying to prove myself and relax already. But this fight just gets bloodier with age."
Ani thinks this quotation to herself as she reflects on her life stage, and her never-ending quest to feel truly safe and secure. Ani knows that to many people, her life appears perfect: she is successful, beautiful, and seemingly in love with the perfect man. Even by her own standards, she has achieved everything she set out to attain, and it would seem that she should be able to relax. However, in this quotation, Ani reveals that the farther she goes, the harder she has to work. Because Ani now moves in different social circles, she has to work even harder to fit in and fulfill expectations at all times; she also has more to lose. Rather than feeling secure now that she is so close to marrying Luke, Ani spends more and more time feeling afraid of losing him. By using the metaphor of a bloody fight, Ani reveals that she constantly feels like she is in a state of danger and conflict.
"Changing my name had nothing to do with hiding my past, and everything to do with becoming the person no one ever thought I deserved to be: Ani Harrison."
In this quotation, Ani reveals why she is so fixated on her marriage to Luke, and what this marriage would symbolize. Ani has often felt judged and shamed: many people thought less of her because she did not come from a wealthy family and because she was sexualized from a young age. Ani internalized the idea that no one would think she had the right background to marry a man like Luke, and has become desperate to prove everyone wrong. Ani plans to take Luke's last name (Harrison) when she gets married, and she imagines that a new identity and sense of self-confidence will accompany that name change. The interest in the name change is significant because Ani has often felt ashamed of her birth name (as it hints that her family is likely not part of the social elite) and has already tried to modify her name by using "Ani," which she thinks is more sophisticated. Adding Luke's last name will complete her social transformation.
"Taste, I had yet to learn, was the delicate balance between expensive and unassuming."
Ani thinks this quotation as she reflects on herself at a younger age, and how she gradually learned to be aware of how aesthetics can be used to convey social status. Ani's mother was socially ambitious, and longed for a more elevated station in life, but she never understood the nuances of social graces or elegance and refinement. From a young age, especially through the experiences gained at the Bradley School, Ani came to understand that the correct choice of material goods (including clothes, handbags, cars, and more) can be used to convey or hide one's social position. As an adult, she is fixated on clothes and other material items as a way to convey the image she is trying to cultivate, and uses her impeccable taste to signal the social status she is striving for. Ani uses her taste to classify herself and advertise her new and more refined identity to the world.
"I know something bad happened to you. I get it. You don't have to remind me every fucking day."
Luke speaks this quotation to Ani when he grows frustrated with her. The quotation reveals that Luke is not actually as kind and patient as he sometimes appears to be. Luke is uncomfortable with Ani's past, specifically the reality that she has experienced sexual violence, and he would rather not think about it. Luke trivializes Ani's experience and does not grasp the reality of how traumatic the event was for her. This behavior shows that Luke lacks empathy, and in fact operates with many of the same patriarchal assumptions and entitlement that the boys who harmed Ani did. Part of Ani's conflict throughout the plot revolves around the tension between repressing and burying her past, and something that has formed her into who she is. By not wanting to engage with Ani's history, Luke shows that he does not really want to fully know his fiancé.
"I'm not qualified to answer that question."
After Ani is raped, she goes to a Planned Parenthood clinic to obtain emergency contraception. The doctor at this clinic speaks this quotation when Ani asks her if what happened could be considered rape; the quotation reveals that, when Ani was at her most vulnerable, adults and authority figures repeatedly let her down. Ani was still a child when she was raped, and because she had not been given information about consent, or helped to feel empowered about what happened to her body, she was not fully sure how to understand what had happened. Ani turned to someone she thought she could trust (the doctor) but the doctor was uncomfortable and did not want to get involved in the events. This incident prompted Ani to feel greater shame about what happened, and to wonder if it was her own fault. It was likely also one factor in Ani hiding what happened and being so reluctant to speak about it later on.
"Survivors should move on. Should wear white wedding dresses and carry peonies down the aisle and overcome, rather than dwell in a past that can't be altered. The word dismisses something I cannot, will not, dismiss."
In this quotation, Ani reflects on why she dislikes the word "survivor." She is one of the students who survived the attack at the Bradley School, and she is also a survivor of rape (some individuals who experience rape or sexual assault prefer the term "survivor" instead of "victim" as it recognizes their resilience and strength). Ani can also be considered good at surviving because of her ability to adapt and focus on moving forward. However, for Ani, the idea of surviving is bound up with the idea of pretending that the trauma never happened, and this leads her to resist the idea of being a survivor. Many people, including Luke and her own mother, pressure Ani to pretend that her past never happened; in fact, her ability to become Luke's wife (alluded to by the wedding imagery in the quotation) hinges on her pretending that her past never happened. As the plot progresses, Ani increasingly comes to understand that she can only heal by integrating her past, not by denying it.
"You should be mad at you! ... You had the chance to take him down and you didn't because you [...] actually thought you could redeem yourself."
Arthur speaks these words to Ani in the confrontation that they have shortly before the attack. At this point, Arthur and Ani have become close friends, and Ani expresses her regret that she was not brave enough to tell school authorities about what Dean and the others did to her. However, rather than comforting her, Arthur lashes out, and shows that he does not truly respect Ani. He thinks she is anxious to achieve social approval and sacrificed her dignity by hoping to eventually win over the popular students. Arthur's critique likely hits home because it is at least partially true, but it leads to the disintegration of his friendship with Ani. The comment is also significant because it marks the final time that Ani and Arthur speak before the attacks at the school.
"I can stab my friend to death but I can't admit I'm about to marry the wrong guy."
Ani speaks this quotation to Mr. Larson as she struggles to explain why she feels confused and lost. As her wedding looms closer and closer, Ani is more and more aware that she and Luke are not right for one another. She does not truly like or respect Luke, and their relationship rests on her pretending to be someone that she is not. However, Ani still hesitates to end the relationship because she has so much invested in it. The quotation uses juxtaposition to highlight how lost Ani feels: she speaks in a very blunt and brutal way about how she killed Arthur, and contrasts this with her capacity to call off the wedding. Ani often feels like she is somehow different from other people and this juxtaposition reveals one scenario in which she sees two disparate sides of herself.
"No. None of this distancing language. 'It was rape.' – I know those tricks. I want you to say what you did to me. What you all did to me."
Ani speaks this quotation to Dean during their private conversation, during which she demands a confession and admission of wrongdoing. Unbeknownst to Dean, Ani is recording their conversation, and will subsequently use the recording to reveal what happened to her. Ani is assertive and direct with Dean, insisting that he avoid using the passive voice (or what she calls distancing language), and take direct responsibility. As a writer, Ani is very attuned to language and how it relates to meaning. The assertiveness she displays in the quotation also shows the character growth she has experienced: she has become strong enough to stand up for herself, and demand what she wants. Although many systems have failed her, Ani demands accountability for herself, directly from one of her attackers.
"Maybe he wouldn't fear my bite, my kookiness, maybe he'd get past my thorny bristles to see there is sweetness here. Would understand that moving on doesn't mean never talking about it, never crying about it."
Ani thinks this quotation as she reflects on her newly-single life after breaking off her engagement to Luke. Ani was very afraid of ending the relationship and having to build a new life alone. However, in the quotation, she displays hope that she will eventually fall in love, and more importantly, that she will fall in love with someone who can accept her for who she is. Ani always felt pressured to hide and minimize parts of herself when she was with Luke, but as she becomes more confident, she can no longer accept this. She wants a partner who can truly support her, and who understands that her traumatic experiences will always be a part of who she is.
