"You will linger, knowing
that this standing before an open window
is what the living do, that they sometimes
reconsider at the slightest touch of grace."
In the midst of a painful scene with her mother, Chan remembers thinking how badly she wanted to live. Death wasn't her desire, just acceptance. As she looks out of the window which tempts her to jump, she holds onto the vitality in her very desire to jump. She's taking an active stance, but Chan remembers how feelings change sometimes. Her activity is good, but perhaps she needs to place it somewhere more aligned with her own goals -- one of which is survival.
". . . the way I try not to
imagine her standing next to the kitchen
sink at midnight -- hungry for food or love,
though I know she shall pilgrimage to that
sacred spot over and over. . ."
Chan is familiar with her mom's silent agony. She knows that her mother walks to stand beside the kitchen sink when she's lonely and sad. As her daughter, Chan hurts when she sees this ritual performed, but this time she attempts to reconcile pity with her own desire. Chan doesn't understand why her mom must take her dating a girl as a reason to feel unloved herself.
"that Mao wrote beautiful Chinese calligraphy"
This is the only line to survive Chan's imagination of her mother's self-editing. This single line, repeated over and over represents the epitome of the impersonal and the unoffensive. To Chan, this line is hilarious because it reflects so perfectly little about her mother whom she knows to be strong, complex, and wise.
"Changing into school uniform felt like cross-dressing. I took my time: removing mask, then chest protector, lingering at the breeches. The day I learnt to lunge, I began to walk differently, saw distance as a kind of desire."
Chan's experience with fencing is intimately linked in her mind with her queerness. The freedom of movement and dress which fencing opened up to her allowed for a greater expression of Chan's identity. She finds a kind of consolation in the movements which she learns, movements designed for combat and poise.
