Santa, the Man
Terror number one is a description of the man hired to play Santa Claus as a rum-drinking tempt who is perpetually unemployed for the other eleven months of the year, wearing a fake beard, dressed in a cheap suit, and slightly resembling Pennywise the Clown.
Santa, the Concept
Terror number two eases from the man playing Santa to the man himself. The narrator is suspicious of anyone who lives at the North Pole and spends an entire evening delivering gifts to underserving children. Questioning the motivation of extreme altruism, the narrator forwards a conspiracy theory that the whole presentation is just a façade covering an international criminal enterprise.
Santa’s Helpers
The terrors drop down a level to consider the question of just what the underpaid elves working in Santa’s sweatshop conditions get out of the highly questionable operation. He muses that they must be lying in wait for the eventual workers’ overthrow of the despotic capitalist CEO.
O Tannenbaum
Among the potential terrors the narrator posits as possibilities concerning a tree inside the house are the potential for falling over under the weight of decorations. Then there is also the possibility of inviting termites to chew on wood furniture that have migrated from the tree. Even if nothing terrible happens, one must deal with the slightly ominous figure it cuts in low lighting at night.
Tiny Reindeer
The magic of flying reindeer is reimagined within the confines of realistic terrors. Hooves skittering across a roof are bound to leave damage. Not to mention leaving behind a tick or two that had been hiding in the fur.
Electrocution
Genuine terror is visited upon in an overview of the power supplies required for a very Merry Christmas. Strings of decorative lights can become frayed and start a fire. The modern Christmas is increasingly monopolized by gifts requiring batteries or power cords which contribute to the potential for damage.
The Carols
Possibly the most terrifying aspect of any Christmas is heading into five different stores and hearing the same Christmas song that nobody really likes to hear even once.
The Specials
The narrator verges into angry old man cursing at clouds territory in this overview of terror. He complains about Charlie Brown’s voice, Bing Crosby’s pot belly, the Grinch, and multiple Hollywood legends who appeared uncomfortably realistic in animated form on various Christmas TV specials.
Fear of Not Giving Enough
The terror associated with this fear is in the form of bodily injuries suffered while continuously shopping. These injuries range from escalators causing foot fractures to eye injuries resulting from collisions with the sharp edges of gift boxes
Fear of Not Receiving Enough
A much different form of terror accompanies this fear. It is not so much terror that comes from not receiving enough as it is the terror that both all the things you didn’t get and the few paltry things you did get send a secret message about what people think of you.
Fear of Returns
The next to last terror of Christmas actually arrives after the holiday itself has come and gone. The multiple obstacles to getting a refund include lost receipts, allegations of returning damaged goods, and having to wait in line in the worst room in the store that is also the farthest away from the entrance.
The Dark
The final terror is perhaps anticlimactic. The narrator becomes obsessed with how creepy window shoppers appear in the artificial illumination of dark sidewalks as they peer at posed mannequins standing in obviously fake snow.
