Summary
In the first chapter of the book, Zauner discusses how she always cries when she is at H Mart, because it reminds her of her deceased mother. She goes into detail about what H Mart is and how it specializes in selling Asian groceries, with a particular focus on Korean food. She gives a summary of her childhood relationship to Korean food and how it was an essential part of her cultural identity. She talks about how she can discuss soberly her mother's declining health as well as the most painful aftereffects of her chemotherapy, but tears up when she sees a child holding a rice snack or a grandmother sitting in the food court, because it dredges up memories of her childhood and reminds her of a future she never got to experience with her mother.
She goes into greater detail about what H Mart is and its history, describing its layout and common placement on the outskirts of a town or city. She also talks about the different people she notices sitting in the food court, including high school students from China, a three-generation Korean family, and a young man introducing his girlfriend to a Korean cold noodle soup. She notes that the majority of the people present are searching for a certain kind of communal experience. She notes that she goes back to H Mart to take part in this, in the aftermath of losing both her aunt and her mother, as it lets her feel momentarily close to both of them.
Zauner begins the next chapter talking about the date of her mother's death and how she is always forgetting it. She contrasts this with her father's obsession with dates while suggesting that they are now no longer in regular contact. She also talks about her distinct memories of the foods that her mother liked, and can recall exactly how she ordered things at different restaurants. She says that she remembers these things because they were a major part of the bond that they shared and how she expressed her affection. She discusses how her parents met when her father worked abroad, taking part in a program selling cars to the American military. They got married when the program ended and moved to Eugene, Oregon, a particularly forested part of the Pacific Northwest. This natural landscape leaves Zauner without much in the way of neighbors, so she spends most of her childhood playing outside or being with her family.
She also talks about the way her mother would get angry with her when she got hurt, believing it was an expression of love and concern despite appearing very harsh. She describes this as "industrial-strength" tough love, rooted in care and foresight, that left her mother with no qualms about being brutally honest if she thought it would protect Zauner. She compares this to the behavior of "mommy-moms" who were constantly validating their children's endeavors and expressing interest in how they were feeling. Finally, she talks about the phrase, "Save your tears for when your mother dies." She discusses how her mother said this to her as a warning to not cry over minor things, while also emphasizing that that loss would be the most painful one she would experience in her lifetime. She also goes into detail about her mother's interest and accrual of various beauty products. She ends the chapter describing the first time she tried Korean food as a child and how her embrace of it opened up a new channel in her relationship with her mother. She says that this was a moment she looked back on as one of the most essential parts of her childhood, as this culinary love was something her mother passed down to her.
Zauner begins the third chapter with a description of her trips to Korea with her mother. She talks about loving going to supermarkets and spending time with her cousin Seong Young. She also talks about her aunt Nami Emo and her husband, Mr. Kim, who she nicknamed Emo Boo. She also describes her relationship with her grandmother, Halmoni, who she found to be surprising in her fondness for drinking, gambling, smoking, and cursing. She also talks about their occasional visits to her grandfather. She recounts how her grandfather was once a successful voice actor, but made some bad investments and lost the family's money. After this, he left her grandmother for another woman. During these visits, her mother would slip her grandfather a small envelope with money while Zauner would look away and not say anything.
She describes how people in Seoul told her she was pretty because of the shape of her face. With the perspective of age, she recognizes how the beauty standards her mother grew up around had a harmful effect on her. She also discusses the way in which being half-white and half-Korean made it difficult for her to feel completely comfortable either at home or abroad. She says that these visits were permanently changed when her grandmother died. She describes her mother wailing with grief, showing her feelings in a way she had not seen before.
In the fourth chapter, Zauner discusses when she learned about her mother's cancer diagnosis. She had recently graduated from college and was living in Philadelphia, working as a waitress and playing in a punk band called Little Big League. She details her tumultuous adolescence and the period in which she drifted from her mother as a result of her struggles in school and at home. While she is visiting a friend in New York, she receives an ominous call from her mother and discovers that she has cancer. Her boyfriend drives up from Philadelphia to comfort her.
Analysis
From its title and opening line, Crying In H Mart makes it clear that it will be dealing with grief. Zauner talks about the outsized impact that her mother's death had on her and how it has colored her experience of going to the grocery store H Mart. She finds herself choked up at the sight of a child holding a rice snack because it reminds her of the food her mother kept in the house during her childhood. Similarly, she is emotional when she sees an elderly woman in the food court, because she imagines the old age that her mother never lived to experience and share with her. Grief permeates the book, as Zauner wrestles with the best way to hold onto her memories.
Food is another clear theme in this early section of the book. She begins the story by describing why she cries at H Mart and goes into further detail about the different dishes that immediately remind her of her mother. In the second chapter she talks about how as a child her mother was impressed when she tried a Korean dish for the first time and loved it. She says this was the beginning of their sharing a bond through food, as she continued to be an adventurous eater. In her depiction, food was an essential component of the relationship she had with her mother and becomes the lens through which she examines much of the time during which they were together.
Home is another major theme of the book. Zauner talks about growing up in Eugene, Oregon, but also being of Korean descent. Her memories of her childhood in Eugene are mixed, as she recalls its natural beauty but also the loneliness of coming of age without neighbors to play with, as they lived in a fairly remote area. Likewise, she finds great comfort in her memories of visiting Korea, but also recalls not feeling as though she completely belonged. In this way, she reveals how she has two separate homes and how they both contain different elements of her life. This takes on greater thematic resonance later in the book, when she travels back to Eugene to care for her mother and relives some of her past there.
Motherhood is also a key theme in this section of the book. When Zauner's mother tells her to save her tears for "when her mother dies," she is telling her that it will be the greatest pain in her life and that crying over anything else is not worth the bother. She expresses a belief that the bond between a mother and daughter is uniquely charged and powerful. Zauner appears to share this opinion as the intensity of their bond remains, even after her death. At the same time, she gives this portrait nuance, noting that her mother was extremely harsh and blunt at all times, but always seemed to be thinking about what would be best for her in the long run. She describes this style of parenting as intensely tough love.
This early part of the memoir sets up many of its main ideas. In particular, the evocative first chapter set in H Mart effectively creates the link between food and memory, showing how Zauner mediates her grief through Korean cuisine. The reader gets a clear sense of how Zauner received her mother's love, with all of its complexity.
