Summary
Zauner decides to return home to care for her mother. She expresses hope that she can heal some of the wounds left behind from their period of conflict. She also depicts this time in their lives as one of intense struggle as she attempted to rebel and her mother said a number of unkind things about her. At the same time, she develops an interest in music, being particularly drawn to alternative rock bands like the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Modest Mouse, and Joanna Newsom.
At this point, Zauner begins to learn how to play guitar and eventually plays at a local open mic. Her parents are initially encouraging, but her mother quickly becomes harshly critical when Zauner expresses an interest in being a professional musician. During a particularly rocky time, Zauner moves in with some friends. Her grades begin to suffer and she starts skipping school and neglecting her college applications. She manages to turn things around and gets into Bryn Mawr for college, but things with her mother remain tense in the lead-up to her departure. In one blowout argument, Zauner's mother reveals that she had an abortion after Zauner was born.
Zauner plans to do her best to make up for this time by being the best caregiver possible. She quits her job, puts the band on the back burner, and moves back home to be with her mother. She is picked up from the airport by her father. She reflects on how her father was more absent from her life than her mother, as he was often at work or out partying. She also says that she was aware, from a young age, of his infidelity to her mother.
When she arrives at her house, her mother is happy to see her. She says she plans to make many Korean dishes for her while she recovers. She is also told her mother's friend Kye will also be arriving to help care for her. That night she sits out on the roof reflecting on the fact that before she used to want to go out into the darkness to escape her household, but now she only wanted to ward that darkness off.
Zauner prepares a soup for her mother, but her mother doesn't feel well enough to eat it, leaving Zauner disappointed. Her mother's condition suddenly takes a turn for the worse and she begins throwing up constantly, hallucinating, and being generally unable to communicate. She is hospitalized for two weeks and convalesces slowly. In this time, she discovers that her father is fairly unstable and needs a huge amount of emotional support. She realizes he is a fairly ill-equipped caretaker. Her mother returns home, greatly weakened by the side effects of the chemotherapy.
Kye arrives in Eugene and immediately takes over cooking duties, which Zauner feels slightly frustrated about. She talks about her childhood in Eugene and how she struggled to navigate two separate cultural backgrounds. She also makes reference to the way that kids would tease or question her about her ethnicity, as her last name and appearance made it unclear exactly where her parents were from. She is reminded of this because Kye's presence, and superior cooking skills, make her feel inauthentically Korean.
Kye continues to care for Zauner's mother, shaving her head during the treatment process and doing face masks with her at night. With little else to do, Zauner takes over the role of recording the medications her mother is currently taking. Her mother's ability to eat is hindered by the side effects of the treatment. Kye's constant presence makes Zauner feel somewhat left out, as she can never be alone with her mother. Kye is frequently unfriendly to Zauner and continues to stay long past her planned departure date. A comment about a certain way of cooking eggs makes Zauner feel that Kye does not see her as actually Korean.
Analysis
Motherhood is an important aspect of this part of the book, as Zauner is dealing with the obligation that she feels to support and care for her mother as well as their past struggles with each other. She spends a particularly long time discussing how they fought about her desire to be a musician and the decline of her academic performance in school. This culminated in a period in which she did not attend school and was staying with various friends. While she eventually was able to get into college and get her grades back up, things with her mother remained tense. When she returns to Oregon, she hopes to make up for some of that conflict by taking on the role of caretaker. She reveals the complexity of their relationship, not shying away from the mistakes they both made while also highlighting how much changed between them over the years.
Homecoming is also a significant theme in this part of the book, as Zauner decides to come back for her mother's treatment. This leads her to reflect on what Eugene has meant to her and the experience she had of growing up there. She describes the concerts she saw as a teenager and the nights when she would go for long drives with friends, as part of a desire to escape. The major shift she notices in herself is that previously she wanted to seek out darkness in the outside world, but now, with her mother being ill, she only wants to keep out of their house. She feels that she is now attempting to protect the thing she used to want to run away from.
Music plays an important role in this part of the book, as the narrative details Zauner's discovery of different bands and the early part of her musical development. She talks about starting guitar lessons and an early performance. At the same time, she also begins listening to a number of alternative rock groups and going to their show. While she feels excited about the prospect of being a musician, her mother expresses great concern about the lifestyle she will lead if she goes down that path. Zauner felt hurt and angered by her dismissive response, and she reflects that this issue drove a great deal of the fighting between them in this period. Music is framed as a creative and emotional outlet for Zauner but also as a major engine of conflict between her and her mother.
Cultural identity is a key theme in these chapters. When Kye arrives, Zauner begins to feel pushed away and excluded, as Kye takes over the cooking and is present at all times. In one particularly painful instance, Zauner expresses concern about how an egg is prepared and Kye sharply tells her that it is simply how it is made in Korea. Kye makes Zauner feel not only separate from her mother, but also inauthentically Korean, as she does not fluently speak the language and cannot cook all the dishes that Kye easily can.
This part of the book is primarily concerned with the fallout from the diagnosis of Zauner's mother. Returning home forces Zauner to reckon with their difficult past and uncertain future. However, Kye's arrival creates other tensions, as Zauner struggles to fulfill the caretaker role she envisioned. These chapters deal with adjustment to this news, showing Zauner's trepidation about finding the right way to be a good daughter.
