Practicing to be yourself
This book could also be called, "How not to be awkward in social situations." This points to a Carnegie's central advise, which is ironic, because it is not social per say, but private. He says to practice personality devices in private so that in public, they are secondhand. For instance, smiling is a way of winning trust, but it takes a true smile, because people are sensitive to fake smiles. So, he says to practice being happy in private. This ironically private practice is doubly ironic given the accidental quality of personality, and the deliberate practice he is suggesting.
Positivity and negativity
Instead of being reliant on abstract judgments about people, Carnegie reminds his reader of the purpose of the book; the book is designed to promote the skills of building friendship and rapport, and no matter what someone's emotional relationship to negativity, there is no getting around this fact: people don't like to be criticized by strangers. Instead of taking a theoretical or philosophical stance on judgment, Carnegie uses this simple guidepost: If you want to make friends, stop criticizing others.
The ironic importance of name usage
Carnegie argues that there a person's name is a magic spell that can be used to charm them. People love to hear others saying their name. It seems intuitive, but many people don't take names seriously. By remembering names and by using them in skillful ways, a person can win another person to their side. This is especially true about using someone's name in a group setting, because it passes the group's attention to the person.
The usefulness of psychology
By taking a scientific approach to human psychology and behavior, Carnegie says that a person can begin understanding people in a new way. Instead of seeing people for their variation (some are nice or mean, for instance), a person can see people in light of their animal biology. Although this seems
Machiavellian, it is critical for powerful people to understand how they might be affecting another person, so understanding people in this objective way is important.
People and opportunity
One might say, "Don't use people!" but Carnegie's book is about the usefulness of relationships. One can increase their opportunity by being a people person, that is, by making friends skillfully and easily. By maintaining a positive relationship with others, a person can increase the likeliness of opportunities finding them, and perhaps more importantly, a person can begin to earn the kind of respect from others that will make others want to help them. Instead of being bothered when asked to do favors, a person will be thrilled to help a friendly person.
