The Day
At the park Aman tilts Xiomara’s chin up and she knows this is the moment. Their lips touch, then their tongues. Her heart feels like it is one of Darwin’s finches learning to fly.
Wants
This is the first time Xiomara has actually wanted to do some of the things men and boys always say they want to do to her.
At My Train Stop
Aman is saying something but she is distracted by his lips. He asks if they can go to Reuban’s Halloween party together. She jumps up without an answer; there are too many things to say.
What I Don’t Tell Aman
She is flat-not allowed to date. When he texts her later she writes about staying in the moment; it is too hard to think about all the things she cannot do.
Kiss Stamps
At confirmation class Xiomara can feel the imprint of Aman’s kiss on her lips. She remembers when he put his hands under her shirt. She made him stop but she did not want to. It is hard to know you should not be doing something but want to anyway, and it is even harder knowing that if God is an all-seeing God, then He saw what went on in the park.
The Last Fifteen Year-Old
Xiomara knows it is not novel to kiss a guy, but she has always avoided it even though men wanted to kiss her. Her body was always seen as a problem, and she wanted to forget she had it. In middle school when everyone else played truth or dare she’d hide away. But now everything has changed, and she wants Aman’s fingerprints all over her.
Concerns
Father Sean asks if Xiomara is okay. For a moment she fears he knows about the kiss, but dismisses that as impossible. She replies she is fine. He says it is okay to have doubts and she asks if he does. He smiles sadly and says of course he does. He wanted to be a boxer his whole life, but things change, and he sometimes doubts his own path.
What Twin Knows
Xiomara asks Twin if he knows Father Sean’s mother died. He says of course he did, and she wonders why she did not know. She then asks why he’s been texting so much recently. He sighs and says they do not have to do this because they both know they’re messing around and Mami and Papi will kill them if they find out. Xiomara nods. She knows that if Twin brought a girl home he’d be applauded, but not if he brought a boy home.
Hanging Over My Head
Aman does not bring up the Halloween party again even though they hold hands and walk together. Does he not want to go with her anymore, she wonders? Finally, Aman texts her and asks if she can go to the party. She knows she has to find a way.
Black & Blue
Xiomara chides herself for not noticing Twin has a black eye until Mami starts yelling at him. She runs up and inspects the eye but he pulls away and says it is nothing. Xiomara knows something is going on but the twins do not speak aloud; even Mami can tell it is a twin thing.
Tight
Xiomara is angry that Twin never told her someone was bothering her, as well as stressed about the party with Aman.
Excuses
Xiomara texts Caridad and asks if it would be okay if she skipped the movie. Caridad knows why and teases her not to get pregnant since she is not ready to be a godmother. She also asks about Twin but Xiomara says she does not know what happened but will find the guy who did it.
Costume Ready
Twin and Xiomara leave to go to the movies but part ways. At a Starbucks near Reuban’s house Xiomara changes into a “half-assed superhero costume” (163) that she knows Mami would not approve of.
Reuben’s House Party
Xiomara shows up at the party a little early. Someone hands her a drink and she scopes out the crowd. She sets an alarm so she knows when to leave, and sits and listens to the music. Aman brushes her hand and smiles at her. She sees he is dressed as the Hulk, and he whispers to her that they’re meant to be since they both chose green superheroes.
Our Dance
Aman and Xiomara dance together, their bodies close. It is like the way people dance in music videos and Xiomara can feel that Aman is not as scrawny as he once seemed. It feels good when their bodies grind together, and Xiomara says she needs air.
Stoop-Sitting...with Aman
The Heights is loud and colorful; tonight as the two sit on the stoop. Aman suddenly says that his place is just around the corner. Nervous, Xiomara asks if his father is home and he says no. She trembles. It is not exactly a lie when she says she is not feeling well and better get home. Before she does, he tugs her hand and asks for a poem so he can remember her voice from tonight.
Convos with Caridad
Xiomara texts that she is on her way back, and that she is feeling like all of this is too good to be true.
Braiding
All throughout Mass Xiomara is distracted thinking of Aman and she hopes Mami does not notice. Caridad asks Mami if Xiomara can come over and braid her hair, and since Mami can never say no to Caridad, she lets Xiomara go. The girls watch Love & Hip Hop and Xiomara does Caridad’s hair like Cardi B’s. She muses that maybe the only thing that needs to make sense with your friends is that you are helping them be their best self on any given day.
Fights
Xiomara is waiting outside Twin’s “genius” school. The students begin filing out and she sees Twin and a red-haired boy. The boy gently brushes a piece of lint off of Twin and Xiomara knows this must be the texting boy; all her suspicions are confirmed. Twin senses Xiomara and looks her way. He almost stumbles, and asks her what she is doing here. She does not say anything, knowing he knows she came to fight for him, and he tells her she does not need to do that anymore. What is unsaid is that there is someone else to fight for Twin.
Xiomara looks at the boy, who has an expression of love on his face for Twin. She feels like her heart has deflated like a balloon.
Scrapping
Xiomara is no idiot; she knows she was not going to fight Twin’s battles for him all her life, but it does not make it any easier now that she has seen there is someone else to protect him.
What We Don’t Say
Twin and Xiomara take the train home. He plays chess on his phone the entire time. Finally Xiomara speaks up and says that if Mami and Papi find out about “White Boy” they will kill him. He corrects her and says the boy is Cody, and that he knows what they will say and what she will say too.
She does not actually know, though, what she wants to say. She does not care that he is gay but this puts a target on him and she cannot defend him.
Gay
Xiomara has always known even though Twin never said. He must be afraid, and she wonders if her own silence made him feel alone and that she condoned the ugly things people say. She is at a loss as to what to do now.
Feeling Off When Twin Is Mad
When Twin is angry it throws her off and she cannot concentrate on anything else. She does not know what she has done wrong; after all, she’s been fighting people for him his whole life so he must have expected her to show up.
Rough Draft of Assignment 3—Describe someone you consider misunderstood by society
Xiomara writes of Mami—how she always defended herself and her children, how she worked hard and never complained. Yet Mami also turned against her when she grew breasts and wanted to turn her into the nun she could never be.
Final Draft of Assignment 3 (What I Actually Wrote)
Xiomara expatiates on Nicki Minaj and how much she admires her for not fitting into “society’s cookie-cutter mold” (181).
Announcements
Ms. Galiano brings in a Puerto Rican kid named Chris and proudly announces he is going to read a poem. Afterward he hands out flyers for a citywide poetry slam three months from now. Ms. Galiano encourages them to participate or at least show up and support each other. Xiomara’s face is warm; she knows she should be there and perform.
Ice-Skating
When they were little Mami used to take Xiomara and Twin ice skating on their birthday, January 8th. Neither were that talented but they did well and had a wonderful time. One day it did not seem to be a tradition anymore, and Xiomara forgot what it was like to slice through the cold like a knife.
Until
Aman asks her to go skating and she remembers her old adventures. She does not think she can but he reminds her they have a day off tomorrow because teachers are grading exams, and Mami will be working. She still begins to shake her head until she realizes she wants to get back to that feeling she once had.
Love
Xiomara is surprised to find out how much Aman loves winter sports. He laughs that he is not joking and she will fall in love with him tomorrow when she sees him on the ice. Her heart “stutters over the word” (186).
Around and Around We Go
Xiomara invites Twin to come too but he is still mad at her.
At the skating rink Xiomara has a pang of nostalgia. Aman beckons her from the ice and she is nervous but ventures out. After a few moments Aman takes off and Xiomara is shocked—he was right that he is amazing. She asks how he knows how to skate so well and he says he used to come here and practice, but his father would not let him take classes since it was too “girly.” Xiomara sighs thinking of all the things they could be if “we were never told our bodies were not built for them” (188).
After Skating
On the train the two of them embrace and Xiomara does not want the moment to end. She briefly wonders if other people are derisive of their PDA, or if they are remembering their first love.
This Body on Fire
Aman has made her an addict, a fiend; she craves his next touch.
The Shit & the Fan
Xiomara can hear Mami’s yelling before she even enters the apartment, which confuses her since she is not supposed to be home yet. Inside, it becomes clear someone saw her and Aman in the train and called Mami. Xiomara slinks into her room without Mami seeing her and covers her head. Twin comes in and he knows something is wrong. She cannot even bear to warn him of the storm that is coming.
Miracles
Both of Xiomara’s parents are yelling at her and her father calls her a “cuero” (slut). She privately thinks he was one too, but men aren’t called that. She listens to her father call her names and her mother lambast the kissing.
Fear
Twin asks what happened and Xiomara does not reply because if she did, she would cry and then he would cry and then Papi would yell at him. He suggests she sneak out but it is too late. Xiomara stands and braces her shoulders and tells him to get back to his homework or his flirting.
Ants
Mami drags Xiomara to her altar of the Virgin and insists she ask for forgiveness. Xiomara tries to make her big self feel small. She says nothing. Mami threatens to get more rice. Xiomara thinks of tiny ants.
Analysis
In this section Xiomara navigates her new relationship with Aman, confirms something she always expected about Twin, and ends up getting caught kissing Aman and is subjected to painful and humiliating punishment. She continues to vacillate between wanting to be silent and wanting to speak, between wanting to fight and wanting to retreat, and between listening to her body, mind, and/or heart.
Xiomara has always stood for Twin, who is smaller and weaker than she is, and she decides she needs to investigate Twin’s latest black eye. When she shows up at his school, she sees him with a boy who lightly brushes a piece of lint off Twin’s sweater “the way Aman sometimes squeezes my hand” (173). This confirms what she has always known, but it still fills her with confusion and sadness. She always knew she couldn’t fight all of Twin’s battles for him, but she “thought when it happened / it would be because he would fight for himself, / not just find someone else to protect him” (175). Furthermore, while she does not care that he is gay, she is worried for him. She thinks “this makes him a target” (176) and knows that Mami and Papi would be horrified. She also realizes that while she has always known, she never said anything to Twin, so “maybe my silence. / Just made him feel more alone. / Maybe my silence. / Condones the ugly things people think” (177). This is an important growing-up moment for Xiomara, as she questions what kind of love and support Twin really needs.
Like Twin, Aman is another young man whose conservative upbringing—in his case, less religious than firmly patriarchal—precludes him from behaving in a way he wants to. At the ice skating rink he tells Xiomara how he loved ice skating so much as a kid and that “’I came here and practiced a lot. / My pops never wanted to put me in a class. Said it was too soft’” (188). This admittance makes Xiomara “think about all the things we could be / if we were never told our bodies were not built for them” (188). This insightful quote no doubt resonates with readers, especially teenagers. It is meant to tell the girls who are too large or loud or sexual and the boys who are too feminine or the person who doesn’t conform to either gender or is transgender that they are valuable, that they are seen by Acevedo. The novel doesn’t promise things won’t be hard or that everything will be okay, but it is comforting for readers to know someone out there knows what they are going through.
A small yet important thing to note: throughout the novel until the very end, Xiomara is tasked with completing written assignments for Ms. Galiano, and for every single one except for the final one, she needs to complete a rough draft before she turns in the final assignment. The rough drafts are her unfettered thoughts, the things she wants to write but does not feel comfortable turning in. For example, for a paper about someone misunderstood by society, she initially writes about her mother and is frank about how when she was little she admired her, but as she grew older and hit puberty her mother became increasingly hard on her. Instead, she turns in a paper about Nicki Minaj, which is much more conventional. It is telling, then, that at the end of the novel she only needs that one draft because she is much more comfortable with who she is and with putting her real voice out there into the world.
