Cody
Twin tells Xiomara through tears that he met Cody’s parents, who loved him (the thought of accepting parents is shocking to her), but now Cody’s dad got a new job and the family has to relocate after winter break so Cody broke up with him. Xiomara holds her brother tightly.
Problems
Twin cannot stop shaking, and Xiomara urges him to calm down before Mami gets home. She then realizes she forgot to call Mami.
Dominican Spanish Lesson:
“Brava” means fierce, ferocious, mad-tempered, and it is how Mami is because Xiomara did not call her, how Xiomara is that Twin did not correct her when she thought Xiomara did something to him, how Mami is when she threatens to send Xiomara to the DR for winter break instead of summer.
Permission
Caridad calls and asks Mami if Xiomara can come to a poetry event, and Mami reluctantly agrees if Twin comes along. He is quick to agree.
Open Mic Night
The location is the Nuyorican Poets Cafe in the East Village. There is a long line and the club is crowded and dimly lit. Xiomara is surprised when she hears her own name read as one of the performers.
Signed Up
Caridad tells her she signed her up, and as Xiomara tries to frantically leave, Caridad tells her she’s got it and she will be fine. Xiomara decides to stay, but the other poets are so talented and they make the audience laugh or cry.
Finally her name is called and she is frozen, but the emcee tells the crowd to clap and warm her up because she is a newbie. Blushing and sweaty, she climbs on the stage. She has never experienced silence like one hundred people waiting to hear her. She has forgotten the first line of the poem and looks to the nearest exit.
The Mic is Open
The first line clicks. She starts it again and lets the words carry her away. People watch and listen and clap loudly for her when she is done. Twin whispers that she killed it. On the way out the host stops her and says she ought to come to a youth slam in February. At this moment Xiomara knows she cannot wait to do this again.
Invitation
This is the same event Ms. Galiano had mentioned, and it is hard not to think of it as a sign. At home Twin does not look sad or scared like he has of late, and he keeps telling her how amazing she was. She has never been drunk or high but imagines it must be like this.
All the Way Hype
All weekend Xiomara can barely concentrate as she relives the open mic night. She writes in her notebook, feeling like each word heals a wound. She cannot wait for Tuesday, which she sees as the equivalent to Mami's Sunday—a prayer circle.
At Lunch on Monday
Xiomara joins Isabelle in the art room for lunch. Isabelle looks up and asks her what she thinks, and recites a poem. When she is done she does not look at Xiomara. Xiomara wants to say so much but she tells Isabelle that it gave her the chills, that she felt it inside. They smile at each other.
At Poetry Club
Xiomara tells them all about the open mic night and they pepper her with excited questions. Ms. Galiano smiles proudly.
Every Day After English Class
Ms. Galiano asks her to read something new. She learns to slow down, pace herself, and show emotion. Ms. Galiano tells her she is blossoming. She is also happy to be connecting with people, sharing herself with Chris and Stephen and seeing how words connect people and build community.
Christmas Eve
It is Noche Buena and most Latinos celebrate this night instead of Christmas morning. Caridad comes over and they exchange gifts and play video games with Twin. Twin and Xiomara go to Midnight Mass with Mami. Normally they would open gifts but Xiomara goes to her room because she does not expect anything. Mami knocks on the door and gives her a small wrapped box. She says awkwardly she had it resized for Xiomara because she knows she loves jewelry.
It’s a Rosary
This is what Xiomara thinks, but it is actually a small gold name plate on a bracelet. It says “Mi Hija,” and it is her baby bracelet. She has no idea why Mami kept it all these years and resized it now. She feels many things, including relief it is not a rosary.
Longest Week
Xiomara spends the day hanging out with Twin. He is not talking about Cody, but it seems like he is texting Caridad. Xiomara writes, reads, and practices her poems, growing braver all the while. Words fill up her notebook—words she cannot wait to share.
The Waiting Game
Poetry club is skipped by just one day since school starts on a Wednesday. She and Isabella share their work at lunch. It surprises her that this year has not started off so badly.
Birthdays
On their birthday Twin and Xiomara share gifts. She gives him an Iceman comic, in which the main character is a “super-dope gay mutant” (295), and hugs him and tells him she is always on his side. He gives her another notebook, telling her he knows her old one is full.
The Good
Caridad calls her and sings her ridiculous versions of happy birthday. She finds an envelope she knows must be from Aman with two tickets to an apple farm north of the Bronx. At the poetry club her friends sing to her and give her a cupcake. She thinks she will remember this birthday forever.
The Bad
Xiomara cannot find her notebook in her bag, but she is able to share a poem from memory and it feels good.
Later she realizes she is late to church and cannot risk Mami finding out she has not been going to confirmation classes. She rushes to get there before Mami but sees she has two missed calls from Mami, one saying in an icy tone that she is waiting at home.
The Ugly
At home Xiomara finds Mami sitting on the edge of her bed with the notebook. Mami asks softly if she thinks she does not know enough English to read these things about boys, church, and herself. She stands, furious, and asks what kind of daughter of hers is she.
Suddenly Xiomara notices a box of matches and it feels like something is clawing into her chest. Before she can do anything Mami has lit a match.
Let Me Explain
Xiomara bursts out that these are her personal private thoughts meant for no one else and she is sorry. She tries to keep her anger somewhat under control because this is her mother, and she is sorry that she did write these things down and that she ever thought “my thoughts were mine” (302).
Mami lights the notebook and tells her to get a trash can for the ashes.
If Your Hand Causes You to Sin
Mami intones this bible verse as Xiomara is finally promoted to action and tries to grab the journal. Desperate, she watches as it lights up. Mami slaps her hand away as she tries to get it, and the bracelet falls off. As Mami recites Scripture, Xiomara recites her poems as if they are weapons.
Verses
Mami’s verses are contrasted with snippets of Xiomara’s.
Burn
The two of them are “wild women, flinging verses at each other / like grenades in a battlefield, a cacophony of violent poems” (308). Both have tears rolling down their cheeks. Xiomara has never mourned something dying before. Her poems are gone, and she asks Mami if she will burn her too, because her poems are inside her.
Where There is Smoke
Papi and Twin show up and Twin lurches forward but Mami hisses at him to stay back. Papi also comes forward and says his wife’s name, then stamps out the flames. Xiomara’s heart is burnt as well as the journal’s pages.
Things You Think About in the Split Second Your Notebook is Burning
If she were on fire, who would put her out?
Other Things You Think About in the Split Second Your Notebook is Burning
She will never write another word again, never let anyone see her heart and destroy it.
My Mother Tries to Grab Me
Xiomara knows what her mother plans to do to her but he scrambles away, knowing she must leave. She is glad she is wearing her coat. As she rushes away she sees Twin holding Mami back.
Returning
Outside she texts Aman asking if he can talk.
On the Walk to the Train
She calls Caridad, who starts singing Happy Birthday but stops when she realizes Xiomara’s world has come crashing down. She tells Xiomara to come over but Xiomara tells her to check on Twin, and that she just needs to leave. Caridad tells her she is here for her and she’ll figure it out.
The Ride
Xiomara takes the train to 168th street. It is softly snowing as she waits for Aman. His fingers reach for hers and she squeezes back.
No Turning Back
Aman is asking her questions but she is barely listening. Finally she notices he is shivering, having run outside without putting anything heavier on. She asks if he lives near here and he raises his eyebrows.
Taking Care
As they walk up the five flights of stairs Xiomara remembers that on weeknights Aman’s father is not home because he works and Aman listens to music and does homework. Inside she sits on the couch and leans her head back and does not take off her coat. Aman moves around her, then finally sits down.
She finally tells him all of her poems are a pile of ashes. He pulls her close.
In Aman’s Arms
Xiomara feels safe, warm. They apologize to each other and begin to kiss. Her shirt comes off and their hands touch each other. Xiomara feels beautiful and so very good.
And I Also Know
Everything feels wonderful but she knows they have to stop. He is breathing hard as he rubs against her. She tells him they have to stop.
Tangled
Xiomara feels like one of her necklaces tangled with another—confused, guilty, full of desire. Panic comes to her; she needs a moment.
The Next Move
Xiomara waits for all the names guys call girls when they can’t get what they want, but they don’t come. Aman helps her get dressed. She knows what this is—put out or get out. Yet he hands her his shirt, and wipes her tears away.
There Are Words
But the two don’t say anything. They watch videos and make food and she dozes off. She thinks of the firsts she’s done this day and the ones she hasn’t.
At school the next day Ms. Galiano can tell Xiomara is wearing the same outfit as the day before. She says she called Xiomara’s house yesterday when she ran out of poetry club and Papi sounded frantic and no one knew where she was. She asks Xiomara what is going on but Xiomara cannot reply.
She looks at Ms. Galiano and finally the words come rushing out—confirmation, poetry, rice, the burning, Aman. She cannot stop saying he hates her mother. Ms. Galiano holds her tight and tells her to breathe.
“You Don’t Have to Do Anything You Don’t Want to Do”
No one has ever said these words to her, except maybe Aman. Everyone normally just wants her to do things—things she doesn’t want to do. What about her? Her own wishes? But Ms. Galiano says she does have to talk to her mom and figure out how to make the relationship work.
What I Say to Ms. Galiano After She Passes Me a Kleenex
Okay.
Going Home
This is one of the hardest things she has ever done, because she does not know what to do or say. She knows her mother will not listen to her. Aman holds her hand as they walk out of school. Ms. Galiano gives her cell phone number. Caridad and Twin are waiting for her outside of school. No one can face Mami for her, but she realizes there is someone who can help.
Aman, Twin, and Caridad
Xiomara introduces them all to each other. She wants to ask Twin what happened at home but desists. No one says anything. Caridad squeezes her hand and tells her to call her, and Aman kisses her and tells her it will be alright. Twin sees this and smiles softly. The two siblings hug on the way home.
Divine Intervention
There is a stop on the way home; Xiomara knows she will need all the help she can get.
Homecoming
Xiomara inserts the key in the lock and wonders if Mami might not be home yet, but when she enters she sees Mami there, eyes red. Xiomara tells her they need to talk and that she thinks they need help to do it. Father Sean walks into the kitchen. Then Mami, who Xiomara has always feared, begins to sob, the cries shaking her whole body. Xiomara goes to her.
My Mother and I
Xiomara knows she and her mother might never be friends or learn how to give and accept apologies to each other, but they can hug tightly. Mami does not say sorry or she loves her, and Xiomara hopes for the words someday, but this is enough for now.
Stronger
Over the next couple weeks Mami and Xiomara learn to break down some of the things between them. They meet with Father Sean once a week and they talk, sometimes about each other or sometimes about their days. Mami starts teaching Communion classes to little kids and is very happy. At the third session Mami gives her the name bracelet back, now repaired. Twin and Papi come sometimes. Twin does not say much but Xiomara hopes he will someday. Papi talks a lot and makes them laugh, but also listens to them when they speak of his impact in the household.
One day Father Sean turns to Xiomara and says he has heard she is performing in a poetry competition and hopes they are all invited.
Slam Prep
Xiomara practices in front of the mirror. She experiences a pang for the poems she lost but plans to rewrite them. The idea of people listening to her excites her, but her poems are personal; they are about her life and she is nervous about that part. Ms. Galiano tells her that “words give people permission / to be their fullest self” (345).
Ms. Galiano Explains the Five Rules of Slam
They include being under three minutes, one’s own work, no props or costumes, no one else onstage, and no musical instruments.
Xiomara’s Rules of Slam
Do not faint, do not forget the poem, do not stumble, not give a disclaimer or introduction, do not walk offstage without finishing.
The Poetry Club’s Real Rules of Slam
Perform with heart, remember why you wrote it, go in with emotions, tell the audience everything, don’t suck.
Poetic Justice
One week before the event Xiomara stands before her family to practice. She takes a deep breath but the room is small and restrictive. Finally the words unfurl and she finishes. Twin smiles and Papi claps, and Mami looks at her seriously and says she should use less hand gestures and speak up.
The Afternoon of the Slam
Aman and Xiomara go to the park. They listen to Nicki Minaj and then he pulls her on his lap and says he has a present for her—it is a poem of his own. It is not very good, but it is the only poem anyone has ever written for her and she tears up. He tells her he will always have her back and protect her heart.
At the New York Citywide Slam
Xiomara is filled with the love and support and inspiration she needs, and she delivers the poem and is met with cheers and a standing ovation.
Celebrate with Me
Mami and Papi invite Ms. Galiano, Father Sean, Caridad, her poetry club friends, and Aman over afterwards. They do not call Aman Xiomara's boyfriend but let him sit on the couch. Isabelle plays music and dances with Caridad. Twin taps his foot and tries not to look at Stephen. Ms. Galiano and Father Sean have a heated conversation about boxing. Papi asks Xiomara to dance and tells her he should have taught her long ago. Mami smiles at them and tells her not to step backwards. Xiomara knows this is right—no more backward steps.
Assignment 5—First and Final Draft
Xiomara explains her favorite quote is Psalm 119:30, which is about the unfolding of words giving light. She says it is not about poetry but it is about poetry, and how words come together and form a home. While she may not ever be as religious as her mother and brother, she does know that “the power of my own words has been the most freeing experience of my life. It has brought me the most light. And isn’t that what a poem is? A lantern glowing in the dark” (357).
Analysis
Acevedo uses a traditional plot structure even as she breaks down conventions with character and narration. This final collection of chapters begins with Xiomara experiencing numerous highs in her life: she finds comfort in the poetry club, she reads at an open mic night to great acclaim, she and Caridad and she and Twin are close again, her mother gives her a nice birthday present (and Aman does as well), and she is feeling increasingly confident about her work and how she is evolving as a poet. There is a sense that all of this cannot last, though the reader hopes it will. The climax of the novel is when Xiomara comes home to find that her mother has discovered her private notebook with all of its no-holds-barred thoughts on sex, Mami, religion, and more. Mami’s shock isn’t exactly surprising; most parents would be flummoxed at the least to read or hear what their teenagers felt and thought. But Mami is not inclined to be openminded, compassionate, or patient. Her style is not to talk but to yell, to rage. She asks Xiomara “What kind of daughter of mine are you?” (301), which is a troubling and ironic statement given that Xiomara had to put most of her thoughts into a notebook rather than dare to utter them out loud.
Xiomara first keeps her anger corralled, knowing that she must “keep it collared / because this is my mother” (302). She also feels sorry for herself, saying in her head that she is indeed sorry, but sorry “That she found it, that I wrote it, that I ever thought / my thoughts were mine” (302). But when Mami holds the match up to the book, Xiomara snaps. She can no longer be silent in the face of what is happening and she stands up to her mother for the first time. When Mami starts spouting out Scripture, Xiomara uses her own words as her weapons: “words tumble out of my mouth too, / all of the poems and stanzas I’ve memorized spill out, / getting louder and louder, all out of order, / until I’m yelling at the top of my lungs, / hearing the words like weapons from my chest; / they’re the only thing I can fight back with” (305). And then Xiomara does something else she’s never done before—run away. She will not submit to her mother’s draconian punishment; she will not be humiliated or shamed for being a living, breathing woman with thoughts and doubts and desires.
After the climax of the novel occurs, the dénouement follows. Xiomara seeks solace with Aman and the two reconcile, she confides in Ms. Galiano, and she decides she must go home. This time Twin and Caridad are behind her, and she knows to pull in outside help in the form of Father Sean. Acevedo winds down the novel by allowing a bit of time to pass in which Mami and Xiomara actually confront their differences and talk them out in a form of therapy. It is especially healing that Twin and Papi also attend sometimes, as the entire family could use the help.
Xiomara’s family and friends support her at the citywide poetry competition at the end of the novel, and throw her a lovely party at which all the major players in her life mix and mingle. But though this is all positive, Acevedo does not stretch the reader’s credulity. Xiomara understands that Mami and her “Might never be friends. / Will never shop for a prom dress together / and paint designs on each other’s nails. // My mother and I / might never learn / how to give and accept / an apology from the other” (340). At their initial reconciliation Mami does not apologize or say she loves Xiomara, though Xiomara is mature enough to understand that “for now, her strong pat on my back, / her hand through my hair, / this small moment of soft. / Is enough” (341). The novel thus ends on a hopeful and realistic note, and the reader can plausibly imagine that these two women will continue to heal and draw near to each other.
